Manorisms

Anyone over 40 who is currently in physical therapy for a blown hamstring knows to stretch before attempting to exercise. There are a few warm-ups you'll want to do before tackling your next home improvement project as well.  Do not neglect this. You may think interior decorating is a non-physical activity, but I have an injury that proves it isn't exactly a day at the spa.  I got this way by trying to move a 400-pound dresser using only my wit and four cookie sheets.  I know exactly what you are thinking, and no, I don’t need to be on medication.

As the story goes, I fell in love with this beautiful, large dresser that looked like it came straight out of a castle in France. I decided it should come live with me, in Pennsylvania, where it would be regarded as the finest piece of furniture in the house.

I had big plans for its arrival and knew full well its exact dimensions and where I wanted it to go.  I showed no fear in directing the deliverymen to the pre-chosen corner of the family room, grandly announcing, “There”.  It is possible that I even used a fake British accent.  However, within 30 seconds of the truck pulling away, I began to have serious doubts about the placement of this rather dense object in that particular part of the room.  This was, quite possibly, one of the bulkiest, most imposing pieces of furniture I had ever acquired.  The spot where they had left it was definitely all wrong, and the thing suddenly looked extremely uncomfortable and wildly out of place, exactly like I imagine I would look at a professional baseball game.  The solution was to move it to the larger wall.  Write this down: always place the largest, heaviest, most imposing piece of furniture on the largest/longest wall in the room.  This advice is going to save you a bundle in emergency room fees.

Knowing that I had to move this thing so that I would be able to sleep that night, I quickly pondered my options.  It took 2 men of considerable girth to haul it off the truck, up the driveway, down the walkway and up the stairs, through the front door, and into the family room; therefore, I should be able to just slide it a few yards to the right. Running down the street waving at the sweaty deliverymen to come back didn’t cross my mind until after the tendons in my elbows had ripped.  Of course, by then I could not have actually lifted my arms to wave at them anyway, so it would have been pointless to even try.

I went on a kitchen cabinet hunt looking for anything that would give me either leverage or slidability.  I do not remember the exact process my mind went through, but somehow cookie sheets seemed to be a good idea.  I don’t bake, so it felt oddly satisfying to be able to put them to use.  I actually did manage to move this thing to the other wall but in the process gave myself a very painful elbow condition which allows me to do fairly strenuous activities (like shoveling snow off the driveway, which I hate) but curiously restricts me from more pleasurable things (like lifting a wine glass, which I love).  I was thrilled with the diagnosis though: tennis elbow.  It made me sound so...athletic. Like I got it from a country club or something.

All right then – here we go with the warm-up exercises.  You may wear any sort of attire you wish.  My personal work uniform: loose khaki pants with pockets just large enough for a screwdriver to fall out of once I have reached the top of the ladder, and a shirt that fits just snugly enough to not get caught in my circular saw but not so snug that the UPS guy will want to linger over coffee.

Working on ceilings:  Tilt your chin up until the back of your head touches the back of your neck.  Hold this position for approximately six hours, or until all the feeling has left your scalp.  Next – and here comes the fun part – at the end of the six hours, try to put your chin back down.  Alternate exercise for advanced homeowners: while your neck is tilted backwards, try to staple cooked spaghetti noodles in a straight line on a flat surface about 1-3 feet above you.  This will allow you to develop extreme patience in preparing for all the cool things you will be doing to your ceiling.  If nothing else, it is a darn fine party trick.

Working on ladders: Haul out the yoga mat and practice some of the balancing exercises, such as “tree” or “crane”.  You’ll need excellent balance when perched on the illegal rung; you know, the one just beyond the warning sticker that tells you all the bad things that will happen if you climb just 10 inches higher. I also sometimes stick my finger just inside the boundary line of my compound mitre saw, just because I can.

Moving furniture:  Get a pedicure. You will be banging your lower legs and feet against very solid objects, so pamper yourself ahead of time.  I am also a dropper, so by now I know to use a nice, dark polish to cover the inevitable black toenail.

Painting:  Curl full paint cans in each hand, 2-3 times a day.  And, as an added bonus, if the store doesn’t seal them shut, you’ll get an extra workout reaching into your wallet to pay for new carpeting.

Wallpapering: Leave the house while it is being done.  I would no more attempt to put up wallpaper myself than I would perform my own laser eye surgery.

Staining: Squeeze hand grips every night for 2 weeks.  This is to strengthen your grasp on the can of stain so that it will stay snug in your hand during the actual staining process but will slip out of your hand as you are celebrating a job well done, thereby splashing Early American Walnut down the entire length of your newly installed and freshly grouted Italian marble floor.  Alternative exercise device: use Microwavable Exercise Putty, but only if you aren’t the type that giggles uncontrollably over dirty-shaped objects.

Sewing: Get your eyes checked. You will need excellent up-close vision to rip out all the stitches you will mistakenly make when you get distracted by a news report of George Clooney getting malaria and consequently run off track sewing a seam.  Or maybe that sort of thing just happens to me.

Now you should be toned, buff, and ready to take on the most strenuous home improvement challenge.  And if not, I'll see you in the emergency room.  I'll be a few curtains down, trying to explain how I got a mild concussion while hot gluing fringe to my 2-story foyer chandelier shades.