Manorisms

When I am furnishing a room, I have this annoying habit of buying the rug last, which you should never do unless you enjoy pulling all the hair out of your head.  I really don't know why I do this.  Maybe I like the challenge of trying to find the exact perfect rug that will compliment the charmingly eclectic items I throw into a room. Or maybe I'm just nuts.

But there is a right way and a wrong way to pay $3,769 for an oriental rug.  The wrong way would be to walk into ABC Carpet and Home in New York City and start gushing.  The right way is to act like you don't really need a rug, you aren't all that particularly interested in rugs per se, and, if you had your way, you wouldn't be in a rug store right now but rather in a periodontist’s chair having plastic surgery on your gums without a general anesthetic.  No – you have to be nonchalant, breezy, and casual, bordering on asleep.  This is because of the murky world of rug pricing.  See, no one really knows the true price of a genuine, hand-woven rug.  I guess it's a holdover from ancient Arabian open-air markets where people haggled the price and sometimes killed each other with sharp swords if things didn't go very well.  Thankfully today, the process is a little less bloody but, if done right, can net you just as much public attention as the knife-wielding market-goers in the days of yore.

First, determine which rug you just have to have.  This usually involves asking a salesperson to flip through a thick stack of heavy rugs one at a time while you pause, observe, frown, step back, wrinkle your nose and snort “Next”.  Ironically, this is also many people’s approach to dating.  I always feel a little bad about making some poor fellow perform this task, especially when it appears we are getting to the bottom of the stack and all that’s left are the Aztec Navajo designs, which are the equivalent of the kids who don’t get chosen for kickball teams. I was one of those kids.  I am the Aztec Navajo rug of the recess yard.

Select a rug that blends well not only with your furnishings but also with your lifestyle.  For example, if you own two rather long-haired Shelties whose idea of playtime is to beat the tar out of each other in the family room every night, then you probably don't want to go with a rug that has a dark background.  Unless you're me, in which case you will run right out and pay retail for a black-background rug that has no chance of ever looking like it did when it was first unrolled, on account of all the white dog hair and random dog teeth that will be strewn about on it.

There are other aspects to rug-buying that I won't bother to go into now, mostly because I find the topics of durability, stretch factor, and thickness to be too closely associated with being pregnant and giving birth, so I'd rather not go there again if it's all the same to you.  A much more fun topic to talk about is what goes on when you flip a rug over.

Rug quality is best viewed on its underside.  When you have located the rug you want, expertly flip over a corner and start studying it like it's the secret recipe for the Colonel's chicken.  This will make you look like an experienced rug person.  People will pass by you and murmur in awe. Salespeople will back away and form an admiring circle. A soft glow will emanate from the crown of your head.  Small, woodland creatures may frolic around you.

Look for the tightness and uniformity of the threads, which will be seen as tied knots on the underside.  If the knots are uneven and tight, it's a good sign of high quality.  If the knots are loose, then you'll probably have problems with stretching (again, flashbacks to pregnancy are making me stop this sentence right here).  If the knots all look the same and are evenly spaced, then the rug was probably made by a machine and should cost a lot less than a hand-made one, to the point where you should act extremely insulted if the price isn't at least a fourth of what the real deal is.  Be prepared to throw a hissy-fit if the salesperson gives you flack.  But be aware that you’ll probably be breaking the spell you cast earlier, which will cost you your rock star status and a handful of bunnies and squirrels.

Once you've nailed the deceptive air of an experienced rug buyer, let the negotiations begin. With a head toss, offer them half of whatever they quote you.  They won't let it go for that price, but they will come down from theirs considerably.  Ask if you can take the rug home for a trial period to see how it looks and fits into your home.  Some stores will do this, if you place a refundable deposit on your credit card.  It's worth it, since your investment in the rug is going to be a lot more than 2 trips to the store and a little paperwork if it doesn't work out.  In the event that you get the rug home and you absolutely love it, then you're that far ahead of the game.   Of course, the very first time I brought an expensive oriental home on a trial basis, my dogs immediately bonded with the wool in the rug.  Being sheepdogs, I guess they felt a natural affinity for the thing and unanimously decided to pay tribute to their ancestry by rolling around on it as if it were road kill.  You know that happy grunting sound dogs make?  That’s the sound of you buying a new rug.

Do you have to buy a hand-made rug?  Of course not.  I have found perfectly good machine-made rugs at places like Home Depot.  However, if you buy machine-made, beware of the cleanability factors.  Such rugs usually have a backing that melts when you try to have it dry cleaned, so you’ll have to wash it by hand.  I declared one day last August to be “Machine Made Rug Washing Day” and took all my treasures out to the back patio for a scrubbing.  It worked pretty well, except for the fact that I used too much soap and couldn’t quite get it all out.  It was like one of those trick birthday candles that never extinguish: I kept rinsing and rinsing, only to have white lather continually bubble up in a very cheery and somewhat mocking manner.  I gave up eventually - I do have a life, you know - and was stuck with stiff, dried rugs that looked like they had a very bad case of bed head.  Rugs: 3, Miss Manors: 0.

One last thing to keep in mind is that most rugs have light and dark sides, like a turkey, or a Jedi Knight.  Be aware of this when placing the rug in your room.  Try turning it 180^o and you'll see what I mean.  This is due to the way the fibers were woven, giving it lighter or darker shading depending on which way it is facing.  With this bit of knowledge you are now ready to stalk the home section at Macy’s like a true, experienced rug buyer.  Cue Thumper.