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Miss Manors Talks Back to HGTV
At least 80% of home buyers today are looking for an ‘HGTV house’.
I totally made that statistic up, but I bet I’m close, judging from the highly scientific research I’ve done cruising Zillow and eavesdropping at the Acme.
HGTV has come a long way from when I first started watching shows like ‘Decorating Cents’ back in the (gulp) 90s, where the charming Joan Steffend worked with a designer to transform a room in one day for under $500.
Nowadays, the same amount will barely get you a nice mailbox.
Shows like that focused on realistic DIYers with realistic budgets. Sure, all the changes were cosmetic, but that was the skill set of the average homeowner. Not everyone owns a compound mitre saw.
And I’m probably the only person who’s named hers.
Buzzy.
Then ‘House Hunters’ came along and gave us a voyeuristic view of the home buyer’s decision making process, revealing that people in America want open space concepts, ensuite masters, hardwood floors, light grey paint, white kitchens, large bedrooms, and man caves. Regardless of the fact that the show’s format is highly manufactured (see my previous myth-busting post), it has accomplished some very important cultural changes. Now, buyers avoid projects, so if your listing photos aren’t TV-perfect, they will often pass. In fact, I just Googled it, and 83% of buyers decide whether to drive by a property solely based on its online photos.
See? I wasn’t that far off by guessing.
I bet 90% of you reading this are impressed.
Lately though, I’ve noticed a shift back towards pure renovation shows. While most still maintain a real estate transaction element, the script has been flipped, and the majority of time is spent showing us dingy before’s and elegant after’s while personable hosts talk us through the process. And although the days of a $500 budget are long gone, I’m celebrating the return of creativity with this non-sponsored, non-authorized summary of the shows I'm most likely to talk back to.
Note: I don't have permission to post any of these photos. Also, all opinions expressed are purely mine and have nothing to do with HGTV or TLC.
Flip or Flop Vegas
A blonde, 30-something with airbrushed makeup and long, wavy hair teams up with her MMA fighter hunk of a husband to buy and flip properties in Las Vegas. They specialize in ‘Vegas Glam’ and go over the top with paint, light fixtures, artwork, and the inevitable feature wall. While ‘Fixer Upper’ systematically erased the need for any of us to have color in our homes – and still make them look gorgeous – Aubrey and Bristol flaunt their style with dark red subway tile for kitchen backsplashes and oversized chandeliers in bedrooms.
Why I Love Them
Aubrey takes risks I wouldn’t and does so with unwavering confidence. Plus they get along, never arguing or disagreeing on anything. I wonder if that’s an HGTV contract violation…
What I Say to the TV
Where are you getting kitchen cabinets for under $3,000? Vegas is known for its ability to keep secrets, but as someone who has invested tens of thousands of dollars on kitchen remodels, I demand to know where this stash of inexpensive cabinetry is hiding.
Bargain Mansions
A blonde, 30-something with airbrushed makeup and long, wavy hair buys and restores mansions in Kansas City. Tamara’s reno budgets are usually well into six figures, and it’s unclear what she does with the mansions once they’re finished. But she’ll apply elbow grease to restore before replacing, and she’s not afraid to bust open walls.
Why I Love Her
Girlfriend rocks a reciprocating saw.
What I Say to the TV
Girlfriend needs to wear protective gear during demo. Those false eyelashes aren’t going to stop shards of glass when you smash a mirror off a wall.
One of a Kind
A blonde, 30-something with airbrushed makeup and long, wavy hair renovates one or more rooms in peoples’ houses somewhere in Texas. Her specialty is doing something unique in each space that ties into the homeowners’ history, like the love letters she spliced together and enlarged onto wallpaper. I dug the idea, although she could have achieved the same thing by using a projector and paint pen, easily covered in case they moved or, ahem, moved on.
Why I Love Her
Grace is sunny and resourceful, once making a skirt out of the homeowners’ old drapes. Now that’s a gal I could hang out with.
What I Say to the TV
Please, no wallpaper. I speak for the masses.
Hidden Potential
A blonde, 30-something with airbrushed makeup and long, wavy hair turns cookie-cutter houses into unique properties in Huntington Beach, CA. This is a great format because it usually gives equal attention to both the inside and outside of the property, allowing those of us who miss ‘Curb Appeal’ a desperately needed fix.
Why I Love Her
Jasmine addresses every detail, down to garage door design and house numbers.
What I Say to the TV
Again, please, no wallpaper.
Hometown
A blonde, 30-something with airbrushed makeup and – surprise – short, stylish hair works with her husband to renovate homes in Laurel, Mississippi, with the goal of totally transforming the entire town one property at a time. Erin and Ben are the sweetest couple on the planet, and they have the artistic vision and home improvement skills to make this a believable hour of television. He’s an accomplished carpenter and often makes a custom piece of furniture for the homeowners, while she focuses on the design and decorating aspects and includes personalized artwork from her own studio. These two appear to be legit, and if Chip and Joanna were to handpick successors, I’d strongly advocate for this pair.
Why I Love Them
They are obviously well-connected to their hometown and seem truly invested in beautifying the area. This is one ‘reality’ show that actually feels real.
And it’s Buzzy’s favorite.
What I Say to the TV
Film more episodes!
Oh, and please, no wallpaper.
Good Bones
A mother and daughter buy and renovate dilapidated homes in Indianapolis to improve neighborhoods and ultimately sell for profit. Karen and Mena have tackled properties so disgusting you can smell them through the TV. They come up with amazing ideas and execute a vision I certainly can’t see in the ‘before’ shots.
Why I Love Them
They get along exactly like a mother and daughter. Plus, Karen’s penchant for turning found objects into new pieces warms my trash-to-treasure heart.
What I Say to the TV
I don’t think a second row of upper kitchen cabinets is practical, although it makes for a good hiding place for your secret chocolate.
Restored by the Fords
A sister and brother make over one or more rooms in ‘normal’ peoples’ houses in the Pittsburgh area. I say ‘normal’ because some of the budgets are astronomically abnormal.
Why I Love Them
Leanne and Steve are so chill, I’m amazed they get anything done. Their laid-back, ‘eh, whatever’ style is a welcome break from the frenzied pace of other shows. They don’t bother with fake surprise upon finding the inevitable ‘uh-oh’ required for each episode. Their stock reaction is to shrug and come up with something else. In one episode, Leanne started demolishing something, declared it too hard, and just walked away.
What I Say to the TV
I totally would have walked away, too.
Nate & Jeremiah by Design
Technically a TLC show, this hour features married designers Nate Berkus (of Oprah fame) and Jeremiah Brent (of Rachel Zoe fame) who rescue SoCal homeowners suffering from a lack of initiative. The premise seems to work, until you hear the budgets. One pair apologized for only having $135,000 available for a living room and kitchen renovation. But don’t change the channel! Once you get through the guys’ charitable reactions to such a pittance, they get to work designing spaces that are straight up gorgeous.
My beef is that it appears the homeowners have been suffering in squalid conditions for years. If they had the funds, why didn’t they just have the work done by now? I mean, money is the number one thing preventing most of us from tearing out our own Mamie Eisenhower pink and blue bathrooms. Why haven’t these people made some phone calls and gotten things moving?
Oh – for the chance to be on TV.
Well, I get that. And Miss Manors is still not bitter about the House Hunters snub of 2013.
Anyway, these dudes are super talented and probably worth every penny. They come up with flawless designs that are beautifully executed. But don’t expect them to shop the scratch and dent section. Their houses are where $250 throw pillows end up.
Why I Love Them
They don’t seem to make mistakes. Midway through an episode, there was a shot of them talking in front of a large gas range. I had a visceral reaction to its red knobs because they didn’t fit in with the color scheme. And behold, in the reveal, the knobs had been replaced with stainless to blend in with the appliances, proving that either they had realized the same thing and swapped them out, or I am indeed a witch.
What I Say to the TV
I get uncomfortable when you fight, because unlike other ‘reality’ TV arguments, I always think one of yours could lead to divorce. And I’m rooting for you guys to make it.
An Open Letter to HGTV:
I think I’m in the majority when I plead with you to slow the camera shots down! Your target demographic may be blonde, 30-somethings with airbrushed makeup, long, wavy hair, and attention span issues, but we Boomers are the ones with the money to actually buy what you’re selling, and we get frustrated when you spend .58 seconds on the one shot of the room we waited 58 minutes to see finished.
Oh, and bring back Joan Steffend.
