Manorisms

Aug 17, 2018

You can handle the truth.

I am eternally grateful to the show Mythbusters, which allowed my son exposure to cool, daredevil ‘dad’ stuff without my having to commit to a member of the opposite sex.  In return, I feel a profound social obligation to share my research regarding various lies propagated by the home improvement industry.  Spoiler alert; if you care deeply about lumber, House Hunters, or Joanna Gaines, you might want to stop here.

Dimensions

A 2x4 really isn’t.  You usually figure this out when you’re starting a project and thinking you’re oh so clever, sketching your little plans on grid paper, only to realize you’re off by about 3” because you fell for the math lie perpetuated by lumber yards everywhere.  According to MIStupid.com:

2x4s are not actually 2 inches by 4 inches. When the board is first rough sawn from the log, it is a true 2x4, but the drying process and planing of the board reduce it to the finished 1.5x3.5 size.

My solution: cut them 2.5” x 4.5” and allow the planing/drying process to shrink them down to size.  Do I have to think of everything?

Area rugs lie as well (pun intended), as do large pieces of furniture.  The exception is Ikea, whose product measurements are scarily precise.  Where they need to improve is to list dimensions of the boxes the unassembled pieces come in.  The best entertainment on a Saturday takes place at the Ikea customer loading area, watching the extreme optimism of Kia owners.

The 2x4: Busted.

Square Footage

I’m embarrassed to admit this took me 3 houses to figure out, but square footage doesn’t equal actual living space.  Some properties will include things like hallways, bathrooms, attics, etc. in total square footage.  Others count any area heated by the same system that heats the rest of the property.  One townhouse I know of who shall remain nameless (but she knows who she is) boasted over 3,000 square feet when she knew good and well at least 500 of that was in the crawl space where the HVAC unit was hiding.

I could go along with this ruse if the game was being played consistently.  The trouble starts when you’re moving 2,800 square feet worth of stuff into 2,700 and think everything except maybe one dresser will fit.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Have fun hunting for your underwear in the 10’x10’ heated sump pump closet.

Square footage: Busted.

House Hunters

By now, everyone knows the ‘secret’ to House Hunters: homeowners have already bought the house and pretend to visit 2 other ‘decoy’ houses to try and throw the viewer off.  Spoiler alert: what you don’t know is that, quite often, the homeowners aren’t even looking for a house.  Worse, they may not actually be homeowners.  They are just two camera-ready people who have been asked to follow the formula of every other HH episode ever shot:

- A couple introduces themselves – let’s call them ‘Patty’ and ‘Jim’ – and tells us what they do for a living.  You’ve seen the memes: “She’s a jewelry designer who specializes in hammered copper, and he raises craft ferrets.  Their budget is $1,000,000.”

- Patty states her style preferences.  “I love contemporary modern with a touch of farmhouse.”

- Jim disagrees violently.  “I would like to live in a yurt.”

- She insists on stainless appliances, open living space, and hardwood floors.

- He counters with a man cave, a 3-car garage for his motorcycles, and a mud room with a ferret shower.

- She sees his ferret shower and raises him a studio with a separate entrance so she can sell her jewelry, but only if the door is facing east.

- He declares he wants to live as far away from her mother as possible.

- She whips out a sage stick, ready to cleanse the house’s aura.

- He agrees to go to $1,000,500, but only if the yurt isn’t located near a highway.

The poor realtor shows them three properties, none of which actually have For Sale signs on the front lawn.  The couple argues on cue: “What do you have against ceiling fans?”, and “These bloodstains will come right off with bleach.”  Around the 26 minute mark, Patty and Jim are seen bickering in a pub over umbrella drinks, leaving the viewer in suspense.  After the reveal, they’ll be standing in the kitchen, Patty slicing oranges on the granite countertop and magically embracing the yurt lifestyle.  The B-roll shows Jim digging footings for the mother-in-law suite out back as, mysteriously, there are no ferrets in sight.

Full disclosure - I applied to be on the show in 2013, when they were still seeking people who were actually looking for a new house.  I’d already started the settlement process when I submitted the application, and the producer I spoke with was very encouraging, asking me to send an audition tape.  I recruited my (female) neighbor to be my onscreen companion, and we came up with snappy dialogue we were convinced would land the gig. 

Here was the specific feedback I received:

- You’re too single (the show prefers married couples)

- You’re too old (I was 49, at the top end of their target audience demographic)

- You’re too nice (we didn’t fight enough)

• 
• 
• 

Still photos from our audition reel clearly show how young and argumentative we were.

But don’t let me discourage all you irritable child-brides and grooms from applying.  You are America’s future, apparently.  I’m not bitter.

I’ve watched so many episodes that I can DVR one, watch it at 4x speed, and guess which house they picked without ever stopping the playback.  That’s got to be the saddest superpower anyone could ever admit to.

Personally, I’d rather watch the live feed from the Ikea parking lot security camera.

House Hunters: Busted.  See also House Hunters International, House Hunters Renovation, House Hunters: Where Are They Now?, Tiny House Hunters, Beachfront Bargain Hunt, Lakefront Bargain Hunt, We Bought the Farm, Hawaii Life, and My Lottery Dream Home.

Joanna Gaines’ Mirror Divination

Legend has it if you say ‘shiplap’ three times out loud while holding a lit candle in front of a mirror, Joanna Gaines will appear behind you and redecorate your house.

All I got when I tried this was the realization that I need to switch to a more age-appropriate under-eye concealer.

Joanna Gaines: Busted.

The HomeGoods Lamp Theory

I’ve written about this before but wanted to expand on it, since I now have a mole on the inside.  It goes like this; when you find a lamp you love, the chances of finding a matching lamp at another store is inversely proportional to how badly/quickly you want/need it.

According to my mole, whom I’ll call “Cookie”, this phenomenon – which applies to anything they sell - is definitely real and plays out in HomeGoods’ across the US.  Her location receives frantic requests daily, asking employees to drop everything and do hard target searches for elusive items.  As she explains, this is nearly impossible, since merchandise moves through a store faster than my aunt at a tag sale. 

Cookie splits her time between stocking shelves and working the cash register and has seen items that have barely been unboxed beat her to the checkout, in the clutches of women who foolishly assume they’ll find another just like it at a different HomeGoods.  I’ve been that woman, once braving a Nor’easter – and Yonkers – on the hunt for a second gold framed bulletin board that I HAD TO HAVE so I could finish a guest bedroom no one has ever stayed in.  

The companion theory is that if you see something you like but don’t buy it, it will no longer be there when you come to your senses 20 minutes later and return.  I’m still kicking my own butt for not grabbing a matched set of black and white dotted ceramic lamps that were curvy and sweet, simply because I had nowhere to put them and they didn’t match any of my decor.  Rookie mistake.

The HomeGoods Lamp Theory: Confirmed.

With all due respect to Adam and Jamie, I believe there’s an audience for a Mythbusters Home Edition.  I’d develop it myself if only I was younger, unhappily married, and could get rid of these dark eye circles.

Miss Manors: Busted.